I’m sorry to have not kept up with these posts. I got lost.
I feel as if I’m slowly returning to my old self while also noting the impossibility of that. There has been a death on many levels and though it’s the season of new life and resurrection, mine is halting and unsteady. It’s not without joy, however. There are lots of small joys in a day and they are noted and somewhat treasured.
The joys are small because my life had to become small- miniscule even. There’s just not enough energy for the grand plans and big dreams. There’s not even a lot of energy for much forward movement at all! There’s just enough energy to get through a day as long as there’s a nap somewhere in there. So I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating the value of simplicity and pairing down all that is extraneous. Not an easy feat.
I feel as if I was sailing along in the middle lane of a 5 lane highway. There were plenty of cars sailing faster and I was going at a steady clip but not too fast. Then the car suddenly stopped working and I had to get off the road fast! Now the car has restarted and I’m on a very, very long onramp wondering if I should just stay on the shoulder for a while.
In the meantime, I’m questioning everything- even the value of keeping up with everyone else. And what does keeping up mean anyway? I see a lot of busyness but not a lot of meaning. So much seems without purpose. And on days when I have the energy to be busy, I get that it feels good just to have accomplished something- even if it’s something rather meaningless. Accomplishment itself is of value. It feeds the spirit somehow. It furthers the cause of my life somehow.
Of course I recognize the illusion of “moving forward” as if there was a “forward.” I often have to catch myself as I think I’m progressing toward something – even if that progression is backwards toward an “old” self . None of us have an “old” self. We just have a self that keeps being present in the moment while the rest of us muddles along in illusions. My self is my self no matter the state of the extremities of my body or my life. Is that true? I don’t know. I have to think about that.
What are we all progressing toward? Death- and the final moments just before death when we think we will have time to reflect on our lives. What would count? What do we want to be able to say about how we lived?
I want to say that I went to the bank and the post office and helped out in my community. No not really. I really want to say that I had fun and I loved – maybe even that I loved well. I think I want to say that I made a contribution in the healing of others. But that goes under the “loved well” category.
So if this is the last day of my life, am I loving well? Hmmm, better work on that.
