It has been a tough road to manage the fear of being a healer. I don’t even know what all the fear is about but I have managed to find all sorts of ways to avoid the path and try to make it look like I’m really on it. My body tells me otherwise though. I get sicker and sicker each time I create another possibility rather than the one presented.
What was presented so many years ago through a type of vision quest was that I was born to be a healer. The vision was that I was laying my hands on a person while many people were waiting for a turn. It wasn’t a grand vision. It was the feeling that shot through me while I had this vision that scared the bejeezus out of me. It cut me to the quick. There was a truth that resonated down to such a deep part of me that I knew in an instant I had never gone this deep into my soul. It was a nanosecond of familiarity with a part of me I had never known in this lifetime but knew was true and old nonetheless. The fright was the fear one feels in an awesome moment of God’s presence- like being out in a vast field during a violent thunderstorm.
Since then I have tried everything from rejecting it to finding ways to accept it without the whole “Jesus complex” thing. I have been afraid of everything, from the power that shoots through me to what people would think, to being fabulously rich to being a homeless outcast. Whatever my mind could conjure, I would find some reason to be afraid.
So I’ve spent a fortune and got credibility. I got a massage certification and became a really good massage therapist. I got a Chakra healing certificate. I learned all sorts of healing techniques. I went all the way through acupuncture school and became a really fine and successful practitioner. But I find it hardest just to lay my hands on someone and simply allow myself to be a vessel of healing.
What will they think? What if it doesn’t work? What if I DOES work? What if… What if… What if…
I’m so sick of the fear that I can’t stand to read my journals which are diatribes of fear and anxiety about being what I’m here to be.
So after a short retreat a few weeks ago, I came to terms with all of it and finally gave over to a whole-hearted ”YES!”. Yes I will accept this as my calling and I will proceed with being a healer in the simplest terms possible. I don’t know how I will make a living so I am counting on the notion that if I live up to my end, then God will live up to hers and see to it that I have all I need.
It’s like jumping off of a cloud without the need for a parachute (but you sure wish you had one just in case).
SOOOOO…
It is Holy Week according to the Russian Orthodox (R.O.) tradition. My partner and son are R.O. We went to evening Matins, a prayer service held each evening of Holy Week before Pascha or Easter. I didn’t understand anything that was going on because of the way the sound carried in the cathedral. The choir did not enunciate very well either. So I allowed myself to simply get carried by the music and the prayer chants. It was quite beautiful and I felt a sense of humility wash over me. I realized that if I stopped fighting and simply opened my hands and heart in humility, it would all be okay.
Then, as if a cloud lifted for a moment and only a moment, the words to the song became very clear before descending back into garbled obscurity. “Behold, the Master has entrusted you with a talent, O my soul. Receive the gift with fear. Repay the One who gave by giving to the poor…”
I sat with my mouth opened and sought to hear more, wondering if I had heard correctly to begin with. The service ended and I knew with a clarity that had been rising to the surface for a long time, that I must proceed. I must find a way to make myself available to those who might come and not charge a fee, but receive an offering. I could keep my acupuncture practice, but I must begin with a time when I am simply a healer with my hands.
That’s all I have for now. That’s all I know. Yesterday, my horoscope read, “You may not fully understand your own mounting potential at this time. Get yourself out there and advertise yourself and your skills.”
Alright Already!
